I just joined this online group for borderlines who want to learn life skills, which focuses very heavily on learning to get more control over our own  minds, which is a doozie. Anyway, I have that car-crash fascination with most of the emails that go through this list because almost every. Single. One. Describes the same tortured process my mind goes through. The ones you could never describe to anyone else. But I don't have to describe it to them, because they understand.

So anyway, I've been having a really tough time with that seeming big selfish patch my husband's been going through. It really took the wind out of me because I'd been moving in some uncomfortable ways (everything's uncomfortable for me, especially normal intimacy) in my efforts to be more of a couple. I had taken some big steps under a leap of faith that we were working toward being a closer team and less of two independent satellites, and then I got slapped in the face with a big bout of "your needs don't matter to me right now." So that just ... floored me. And I've been having a really hard time since. Although slightly easier since tonight when husband announced he was exhibiting dry drunk behavior and would start going back to AA. 

But, with my falling apartness of late, I've been shitty at work. I mean, really bad. I mean, I've been seriously wondered what would happen if I were unable to continue in my line of work, and was forced to see my business wither away. Competition is fierce in my line. My competitors are spending about 5K a month on SEO, which I do not do. I have succeeded by working like a friendless, isolated maniac (which I am) at all hours of the day. But lately, I can't concentrate. At all. And I have little ambition.

Until I got so upset by this last issue with DH that I started staying up all hours. And for the past few days, I have this workday that starts around midnight and ends between 4 and 5 a.m. And that's not a full workday, but it's a huge improvement over where I've been. AND, during these quiet hours, it's like I'm my old self. I have ideas. I have little inspirations. I can carry on correspondence. I can invent little things. I can do business.

Who knows ... I'm keeping an eye peeled on my list for whether this nocturnal coping thing is a borderline trait too.