So, sort of out of the blue, a sort-of family member sent me a photo from my cousin's wedding. Five photos, actually. And in that sort-of-meddling family way, they included a photo of my mother. Who was at the wedding. But we didn't talk to each other, just like we hadn't talked to each other for the previous, oh, maybe five years? I had been horribly unprepared to encounter my mother, but I wanted to be at my cousin's wedding, so I went. And at the last minute I dragged along my husband as moral support. And I barely made it, but I made it. I was also prepared if my mother should choose to talk to me, though she didn't. So I spent the whole night without actually seeing her, since she was seated behind me at the ceremony, and in a dark corner at the reception. I left without seeing her, even though we shared the same room all night.

So the relative sent me this photo, and I see that in the photo, my mother is old. I mean, OLD. I mean, her hair is white. And thin along the part, like an old person's, even though she always had the thickest, most luxurious blond hair. And she is heavy, and wearing a dowdy old person's shirt, and the skin sags heavily on her face, and in short, she looks exactly like all the other OLD people in my life, my DH's parents and their friends, even though my DH is older than me, and his parents had him late in life. She looks older than some of my old relatives. And not joyful, even though her mouth is turned up. And it finally dawned on me that even if my life hasn't yet really begun by any standard I can measure, and even if I don't look much older now than I did 10 years ago, time is still passing for my mother, and will eventually will run out.

Let me try to calculate this ... I think she was born in 46, so that means my mother is ... 61? In August, her birthday? My mother is 61. That's not so old, and yet it's hard to imagine. In my mind, she's still that 30-something tyrant of my childhood, the one who never changes, never gives in, never lets her roots show,   never fails to win a match or the battle, especially against her children.